I have been tasked with a super secret mission: to investigate the life of the average college student. I was assigned to the University of Mary Washington by, like, the FBI or something. The basis for my cover is some some random online class I signed up for. Since the class is five weeks long, that’s how long I have to finish my mission. Again, this is an important mission from the CIA (that’s what I said earlier, right?). This is NOT something I just decided to do because I’m bored.
The first thing to do is to get familiar with my surroundings. I need to explore the campus and memorize where all the important stuff is. This will also give me insight into the activities of the average college student.
Well, I think I have all the basics down now. Next week, I can focus on the more detailed stuff, whatever that is.
Remember that online class I signed up for? Well, apparently there was a bunch of homework that I was supposed to be doing. Who knew? I ended up with a zero for the first week, but I’m sure there will be a curve or something.
Well, enough dwelling on my grades, now I need to figure out what the deal is with the mascot. They say the school’s mascot is the eagle, but I don’t see any eagles anywhere. The way I see it, there should be eagles all over the place. Luckily, I found an eagle for the campus. I can’t wait to show everyone!
Well that didn’t go as expected. You know, for some reason everyone seems really mad at me. Well, I’d better hide out in the woods for a while. At least until the heat dies down.
Since I spent most of last week foraging in the mighty wilderness, I didn’t get any homework done. I ended up with another zero for the week. Now I’m actually starting to worry about my grade. Maybe I should start taking my schoolwork seriously. Or, I could figure out what all this college drinking is all about. That sounds more fun, so I think I’ll do that.
I wasn’t actually sure how much success I would have walking up to random people and saying “I want beer”. As it turns out, if you do it long enough, you’ll get invited to a party! They have lots of different types of beer at this party, I wonder which one I should try first?
Wow! College students sure do like the fancy stuff, don’t they? So, how much should I drink. Like, ten or so? That’s a normal amount, right?
Update: I woke up in a dumpster. Yep. I’m in… uh… Idaho? Illinois? Indiana? Geography’s not really my strong suit, but I’m pretty sure it’s one of those “I” states.
I guess that’s what happens after a crazy night of drinking. Better start hitchhiking my way back to Virginia. See you next week!
… or not. So, where I have been for the last 5 weeks? In jail. Remember that eagle I found earlier? Well, apparently it’s an endangered species.
It gets even worse. Not only did I fail that class I was taking, but I got expelled. I guess the whole not doing any classwork/getting arrested/spending a week living in the woods thing doesn’t sit too well with UMW. Overall though, I think my mission was a success. I hid from an angry mob, hitchhiked across state lines, and violated the Endangered Species Act. If that’s not the full college experience, then I don’t know what is.